Friday, February 13, 2009

The U.S. Constitution of 2009 (Director's Cut)

We the People, in order to avoid responsibility for any of the unfortunate missteps of the past few years, would like to make a couple of teeny, tiny little changes to our founding document. We therefore propose the following new Amendments to the Constitution. We're not going to bother having an actual, you know, amendment process, because we are apparently moments away from the end of the world according to our new national economist.

Amendment XXVIII - All Americans, as of this morning, are entitled to own a home even if they are unable to afford the mortgage payments or decide to simply stop paying them. All those who took out 30 fixed mortgages and bought homes they knew they could afford shall from now on be known as "suckers."

Amendment XXIX - The United States shall never enter into recession - ever. Congress and the President shall act accordingly, and in a bi-partisan manner, to outlaw recessions even if such actions cost so much they will probably lead to huge budget deficits and inflation down the road.

Amendment XXX - Market losses in pension plans shall also be illegal and gaps between investments and returns shall be paid for by the government.

Amendment XXXI - Large private banks will be outlawed.

Amendment XXXII - The government shall provide additional lines of credit to those who have been living beyond their means. Those who have not run up huge credit card debut, been responsible about paying off their credit cards, and will be paying for all of this will from now on be known as the Chinese.

Amendment XXXIII - All Americans shall be receiving ponies whether they want them or not. Oompa-Loompas will also be available upon request.

Additional suggestions for amendments are, as always, welcome and appreciated.


  1. Fundman,

    You are always on point.

    You need a grander audience.

    I'm telling ya, it's time for your nationally syndicated radio show.

  2. Dude, do you really think radio is ready for a triumphant return? You and me together? Bring on the Aerosmith!!!!!!!!!!